Controlling Personality

Tell me if it sounds familiar...

You're chilling out talking with some friends, when all of a sudden the conversation turns to a common topic - love and relationships, especially as this Thursday is Valentines Day.

And each woman at the table starts talking about the situation she's in and all the details.....

One woman shares that she feels suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up with being told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that she keeps giving in)...

You realise that she’s with a controlling person!

So how do you recognise a person who is “controlling”?  Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn't make them a controlling personality. The test is: "Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behaviour". You should know this instinctively.

Distinguish people with "strong boundary issues" from controlling people by testing their reactions to other topics. If someone always blows up if they're touched without warning, but doesn't react in a controlling way, if you wear your hair different or lose weight or gain weight, etc., that is a boundary issue. Other people's personal choices such as changing religion, coming out gay or transgender, dieting, grooming or exercise are boundary issues. Even if you think you're right and they're wrong, someone who's sensitive on any of these subjects is holding a boundary when it's about what they do with their life and how they are treated. It's when they start telling you who you are, what to wear, think, feel and do that they're being controlling.

Look for moodiness. Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person, precisely because those with moody personalities tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them personally and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation by controlling others. What better than having someone else run at your beck and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain?3

Suspect any person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying (the coward trying to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm) are a sign of a controlling personality type. Temper outbursts often happen when you disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't do exactly what they want you to do (which can be difficult to glean sometimes, as many controlling people expect you to be able to "read their mind"). In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes.

Coupled with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person can be a real handful because you never know where you stand with this misfortunate person. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never put up with a person harming you; it is not your fault that they hurt inside.

Listen for compliments. It is often the case that people with control issues are not very good at giving sincere compliments. They do not want you to feel good about yourself because it may take away control and draw attention away from them. Compliments, when given, are backhanded, snarky and actually point out some flaw or defect in the other person.

Be wary of any person who seems incapable of understanding or accepting the word "no." Controlling or not, this person is a problem but coupled with controlling tendencies, and you're bound to be walked all over. This person will tend to insist until they wear you down and make you give in, changing your firm no to a weak yes, and leaving you feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed of yourself. Remember that it is your right to make decisions, including ones that are in the

Look at what happens around your other relationships. When the controlling person is around your friends and supporters, watch out. The controlling person will often try to cause trouble between you and your friends, spreading rumors, attempting to create divisions (divide and conquer) and will even tell lies (exaggerations to be kinder) about you to them or about them to you, to try to break your attachment to them. The ultimate aim is to isolate you from others so that they can have you all to themselves, inside the reality they're trying to weave for you.

If you recognise any of the above and wish to clear this pattern from your life, contact me for Spiritual Response Therapy.  heather@heatherprince.co.uk