Lately I have been dealing not only with relationship issues in marriage breakdowns or loss from death, but many people have been having problems with the children from their partner’s previous relationship.
Children, of all ages, may not have come to terms with loss by death or divorce and may well have unreasonable expectations of a 'recreated' family. Most experts agree that the answer is to redefine the meaning of 'family' by developing an identity as a group. Focus on shared interests and pursue new ones.
As parents, none of us wants to upset our children. However, we do have to think about ourselves and do what is best for us. Not many people choose to be alone and loving someone and being loved in return is what life is all about.
Children may be uncomfortable with a parent and new partner and losing a parent is very hard, as is parents who choose to divorce. Watching a parent make a new life with someone else is also very difficult.
Many children feel that this undermines the memory of the deceased or divorced parent. Death or divorce is like a grieving process and children may feel that things are happening too soon.
The best way to deal with children is to be open and honest with them. They need to hear how much they are loved and the last thing anyone wishes to do is to hurt them. Everyone deserves a new life and happiness.
Unfortunately, step-families are at greater risk of breaking apart than any other family unit. 60% of partnerships involving children from previous unions will fail - a significantly higher percentage than marriages without stepchildren.
Like conventional biological parenting, there are no set rules and no guarantees for ensuring a contented parent-child relationship.
Instant attachments with step children are rare, and immediate emotional bonding is even rarer. There will be uncertainty and suspicion on both sides, so show respect for their boundaries and expect the same in return.
When difficulties arise, get the family together to talk openly about how they might be resolved. Children of all ages resent the notion that they have no voice and are not being listened to.
New families have no traditions, so work on building a history of shared memories and experiences. Don't ignore old traditions, but don't let them prevent the establishment of new ones.
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