I have recently worked with a couple
of different clients with regard to “control” issues. The gentleman who I will call Lee was
devastated that his wife had had an affair with another man. His belief was that she had gone “crazy” and
he was aiming to “control” the situation by getting everyone who knew her to
tell her she was “mad” and therefore steer her back to him! Once he removed his blinkers and was able to see
that he had contributed to the situation by being a workaholic and not spending
enough attention in his marriage, the damage was done. When his wife came to
see me, she had fallen head-over-heels in love with the new man in her life and
was feeling terribly guilty. All the negative energies and “programs”
that were running for this couple were cleared with Spiritual Response Therapy
and gave them both a clear path to move forward in their lives.
Another client, a woman who I will
call Dee, was controlling her husband by pushing his buttons, which she knew
was his children. By aiming to get what
she wanted, she used the children as an emotional tool, to make him behave the
way she wished. When he refused to comply, she contacted someone else and told
her to tell the husband how to behave.
Those who try to control other people
are, simply put, neither nice nor respectful. While a controlling personality
belongs to someone who probably has deeper issues, such as codependency,
narcissism (selfishness), sociopathic tendencies or just sheer stubbornness,
none of these negative traits should be shouldered by you. Controlling people
are selfish at the core, immature at heart and likely to put the brakes on your
leading a fulfilling life if you're in constant close proximity to them.
In order to spare yourself getting
too entangled with a controlling personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact
that the controlling person is the one with the problem and not you, here are
some tried and tested ways to help you recognize a controlling person and
respond accordingly.
Consider
how you feel around the people in your life before all else.
Do you have any relationships in which you
feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up
with being told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that you
keep giving in)?
Look for
moodiness. Moodiness is a key signal of a
controlling person, precisely because those with moody personalities tend to be
mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them
personally and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation
by controlling others. What better than having someone else run at your beck
and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you
don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain?
Suspect
any person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent
temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying (the coward trying
to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential
harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm) are a
sign of a controlling personality type. Temper outbursts often happen when you
disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't do exactly what
they want you to do (which can be difficult to understand sometimes, as many
controlling people expect you to be able to "read their mind").
In their
minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree
with them or don't comply with their wishes. Coupled
with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person can be a real handful because
you never know where you stand with this misfortunate person.
Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or
resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual
abuse. Never put up with a person harming you; it is not your fault that
they hurt inside.
Listen for
compliments. It is often the case that people
with control issues are not very good at giving sincere compliments. They do
not want you to feel good about yourself because it may take away control and
draw attention away from them.
There is one major important thing to understand here and that is,
no-one can control anything other than themself! By changing yourself, everyone you touch will be affected by your
change. We have no right to tell anyone
what they should or shouldn’t do. Of
course if they ask our opinion, than it’s perfectly acceptable to give it,
otherwise we each have FREE WILL and what we “feel” is right, is right for us.
Have compassionate
detachment. While it is important to be
compassionate, it is also important to be detached and to let go of this
person's attitudes, issues and problems. They're not yours and you don't need
to (and don't deserve to) shoulder their burden. It is the role of every human
being to learn how to make our better sides shine forth and excusing someone's
controlling behavior because they've had a rough life or whatever else simply
continues enabling what is essentially very bad behavior that is hurting them
as much as it is hurting you. Through compassionate detachment, you can care
about them as a person without involving your own emotions and staying
entangled in their web.
Enjoy your week!
love
Heather
