Controlling People

I have recently worked with a couple of different clients with regard to “control” issues.  The gentleman who I will call Lee was devastated that his wife had had an affair with another man.  His belief was that she had gone “crazy” and he was aiming to “control” the situation by getting everyone who knew her to tell her she was “mad” and therefore steer her back to him!  Once he removed his blinkers and was able to see that he had contributed to the situation by being a workaholic and not spending enough attention in his marriage, the damage was done. When his wife came to see me, she had fallen head-over-heels in love with the new man in her life and was feeling terribly guilty.  All the negative energies and “programs” that were running for this couple were cleared with Spiritual Response Therapy and gave them both a clear path to move forward in their lives. 

Another client, a woman who I will call Dee, was controlling her husband by pushing his buttons, which she knew was his children.  By aiming to get what she wanted, she used the children as an emotional tool, to make him behave the way she wished. When he refused to comply, she contacted someone else and told her to tell the husband how to behave.

Those who try to control other people are, simply put, neither nice nor respectful. While a controlling personality belongs to someone who probably has deeper issues, such as codependency, narcissism (selfishness), sociopathic tendencies or just sheer stubbornness, none of these negative traits should be shouldered by you. Controlling people are selfish at the core, immature at heart and likely to put the brakes on your leading a fulfilling life if you're in constant close proximity to them.

In order to spare yourself getting too entangled with a controlling personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact that the controlling person is the one with the problem and not you, here are some tried and tested ways to help you recognize a controlling person and respond accordingly.

Consider how you feel around the people in your life before all else.

 Do you have any relationships in which you feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up with being told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that you keep giving in)?

Look for moodiness. Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person, precisely because those with moody personalities tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them personally and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation by controlling others. What better than having someone else run at your beck and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain?

Suspect any person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying (the coward trying to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm) are a sign of a controlling personality type. Temper outbursts often happen when you disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't do exactly what they want you to do (which can be difficult to understand sometimes, as many controlling people expect you to be able to "read their mind").

In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes. Coupled with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person can be a real handful because you never know where you stand with this misfortunate person. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never put up with a person harming you; it is not your fault that they hurt inside.

 Listen for compliments. It is often the case that people with control issues are not very good at giving sincere compliments. They do not want you to feel good about yourself because it may take away control and draw attention away from them.

There is one major important thing to understand here and that is, no-one can control anything other than themself! By changing yourself, everyone you touch will be affected by your change.  We have no right to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do.  Of course if they ask our opinion, than it’s perfectly acceptable to give it, otherwise we each have FREE WILL and what we “feel” is right, is right for us.

Have compassionate detachment. While it is important to be compassionate, it is also important to be detached and to let go of this person's attitudes, issues and problems. They're not yours and you don't need to (and don't deserve to) shoulder their burden. It is the role of every human being to learn how to make our better sides shine forth and excusing someone's controlling behavior because they've had a rough life or whatever else simply continues enabling what is essentially very bad behavior that is hurting them as much as it is hurting you. Through compassionate detachment, you can care about them as a person without involving your own emotions and staying entangled in their web.

Enjoy your week!

love

Heather