PROCRASTINATION

Do we get anything out of procrastination?

Procrastination is a problem, but it’s also just a symptom of a deeper problem of our core beliefs. Specifically, the core beliefs we have about our identity. Solve the problem of false beliefs about your identity and procrastination dynamics go away on their own, where we don’t take action.  For example, the procrastinator may not return phone calls from friends and acquaintances to the detriment of their social life. They may fail to initiate important tasks or delay their completion on the job thereby undermining vocational stability

Many of us let our busy ego mind that is in self preservation mode make our decisions for us. It directs us to forget about what we committed to, distract us from it long enough for us to believe we failed. Then it projects thoughts like, “I still haven’t done that, what’s the matter with me. I can’t just seem to get things done.” In each of those mental stories it projects us as the main character in a failure role. This is a path of good intentions leading to emotional hell.

A client this week identified himself with a middle-name of “procrastinator”.  He was aiming to make light of something he didn’t know how to deal with.

With research using Spiritual Response therapy, I discovered he identified himself in Self preservation mode.  He believed his purpose in the family unit had to remain as it always had.  The love he had for his family identified to him his total involvement and enthusiasm to be the best provider and carer; yet his marriage had crumbled and no amount of glue (love) could stick it back together and therefore the dynamics of the family had shifted, yet he was stuck.

·         Emotional reasoning: An individual may tell themselves something like, "I can only do something if I like it or if I am in the mood" or "Tasks should be easy."

·         Magnification: A person may tell themselves that a task is more difficult and complicated that it really is.

·         Perfectionism: A person may set goals that are set unrealistically high and demand they attain them.

·         Mind reading: A person may think others will label them as "failures" if a task is not done according to a certain (many times unrealistic) standard. They may also label themselves as "failures." If a task is delayed or not done however, the failure label will not apply.

·         Comfortable discomfort: A person may be unhappy that a task is not completed but the discomfort that he feels is more comfortable than the fear and apprehension of taking on something new.

·         Devaluation or minimization: A person may minimize the importance of a task they think about starting and thus de-motivate themselves to take the first step.

·         Should statements: A person tells themselves they "should, must, or ought" to do a task and respond with guilt when they observe their inaction.

·         Coercion reaction: A person may not want others to tell him what he should be doing and feels resentful when they do. Even in situations in which the person wants the same outcome, he will react in oppositional ways in order to maintain the feeling that he controls his life.

·         Aversion perception: A person may simply dislike doing certain tasks. He may find them distasteful and thus experience them as punishing.

The best advice I could suggest is that the solution is to just envision what we want and take action.

And if for some reasons our actions don’t attain our goals, (even David Beckham missed game winning shots) then we don’t fall into self judgment.

It’s important to understand that humility doesn’t mean meek. Humble people can actually be very powerful. We don’t usually notice their power because they tend to be quiet and listen more than they talk. Their power takes the form of quiet resolve. They don’t expend their energy trying to get attention or having debates in their mind convincing themselves. Since they don’t waste energy on these dynamics they have a lot more power to apply to what they really want.

Two opposing false images of the ego happen each time we make a commitment of “I’m going to stop Procrastinating.” Can you see that this statement causes us to identify with a false image in a mental movie taking place in the future? Can you see that this is a set up for believing that we are that failure image later?

The good intentions might not seem like a big deal by itself, but it sets up the other half of the ego. The failure to execute by putting things off and that leads to self judgment, self rejection, and feelings of unworthiness and failure.

You can make commitments to change. When the commitment arises from a genuine desire to be happy we are filled with a quiet intent filled resolve. From your resolve will be action.

To successfully make these changes to procrastination we really have to look at the source of the problem and not just the symptoms. At the core of the problem are the false self images that we believe are us.

Stop your emotional reactions
* Control the thoughts in your mind
* Identify and change core beliefs behind your thoughts and emotions
* Shift your point of view to see your self and others differently
* Dissolve the voice in your head that is critical of your self and others
* Develop respect for your self and for other people
* Gain control over your attention so you can focus on creating love and happiness in your life, and in your relationships

 

For a Spiritual Response Therapy to identify and change core beliefs behind your thoughts and emotions, contact me.  It can be done face to face or via email for anyone, living anywhere. 

heather@heatherprince.co.uk

 

TEACHING WITH LOVE AND PATIENCE

My eldest son and I

Yesterday I met an emotional Mum whose tears flowed as she felt so powerless with her 12 year old son, who insisted on returning to Dad’s place and telling her that he “hated” her and didn’t want to sit and eat Sunday dinner with her and her partner!

Although she is amicable with her x husband and the child is shared between their two homes, the child had been  “playing” one parent against the other with “Mum says............. or Dad says................”. In these challenging circumstances it is so important for parents to band together as one unit and agree on the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not as children respond very well to clear boundaries.

Mum was at a loss of how to handle the situation without  a knee jerk reaction and becoming angry. Angry at herself, more so than the child, with overwhelming feelings of lack of control, in a challenging situation.

A mother teaches her child with love and patience until the child learns. But what happens when patience disappears and frustration and hurt rears up?  The wisest choice is to “surrender” and let go.... The spiritual principle of surrender, which is letting go, is not the same as giving up and feeling defeated, which is what many clients feel when they have to continue to let go, long past the point where they are comfortable with the process.

We cannot let go of everything until we understand our attachments from the level of our beliefs, what we think about ourselves and what we think others will think of us. Wherever we resist release there are strong beliefs that are asking to be released. We see this in a material way but the real issue is energetic. How much of ourselves is centred or invested in that? What does letting go mean to our belief system? How do we feel about ourselves after that is done? What new beliefs do we need to create to not feel that we have lost everything and instead, gained our spiritual and emotional freedom, when we let go?

This will bring a sense of freedom and joy, as opportunities for change 

that were not possible before, begin to appear.

So to gain back your sense of control with children of age 12+, is to make
clear what is expected and that you mean what you say about the
 penalties for bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now — discipline is
just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. Just as with the 5-
year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and enforce it, your teen needs
boundaries, too.

Firstly, share your feelings.  If he says “I hate you, I wish you weren’t my
Mum”.  Breath.  Place your hand on your heart and say “I hear you hate me
 and that you wish I wasn’t your Mum.  I feel so sad to hear that as I love
you so much”  Then stop talking and wait.  Let him absorb that you heard
him and how it made you feel.  If he answers, just repeat what he says
and continue to focus on how it is making you feel and voice it.

Let him know it's safe to express his feelings -- as long as he does so
respectfully. If he acts bad-tempered with you (hey, we all have bad
 days, grown-ups included), tell him to speak to you in a nice way. Then,
 when he’s more peaceful, talk to him about what was making him unhappy.

Respect also goes both ways, so speak to your child the way you want him
to speak to you. Don't shout, say what you need to in a calm manner, and
remember to say “please” and “thank you.”

Focus on the behavior you want to see, not what he’s doing wrong. Instead
of saying, "Don't leave your dirty plate on the table" say “Putting the plate in the dishwasher will speed clearing up so we have more time to go outside and play”.

Set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends and curfews by

discussing them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no

misunderstandings. Your teen will probably complain from time to time,

but also will realize that you're in control. Believe it or not, teens still

want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as

you grant them greater freedom and responsibility.

When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem the

best plan of action. While it's fine to ground them for a week, for

example, be sure to also discuss why coming home an hour past curfew is

unacceptable and worrisome.

Remember to give a teenager some control over things. Not only will this

limit the number of power struggles you have, it will help your teen

respect the decisions that you do need to make. You could allow a younger

teen to make decisions concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the

condition of his or her room. As your teen gets older, that realm of

control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.

It's also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your teen

earn a later curfew by demonstrating positive behavior instead of setting

instead of setting an earlier curfew as punishment for irresponsible

behaviour.

 

Spiritual Response Therapy is a great healing therapy to clear negative

energies between parent and child and can be done on behalf of under

18’s by their parent. 

www.heatherprince.co.uk

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS?

The other day on Facebook I put out a message about people who have an affair within their marriage.  People’s perception was that I felt “angry” and it related to something personal. 

 

As a Life Coach I constantly repeat that “love is all there is” just like the Beatles song and if you love someone, you don’t lie, cheat or act deceitful.  That certainly is not love.

 

I have spoken to many people having affairs, had affairs, want an affair and it’s all spoken light heartedly, but they don’t think through the consequence of their actions and how entangled everything becomes!  The end of a marriage is not pleasant and divorce is something I certainly wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy!

 

Ann threw her husband out when she discovered he was having an affair.    She still feels she’s picking up the pieces a year later.  She worries about her children and as she came from a broken home, wished to give them what she didn’t have.  She feels she stands out like a sore thumb but feels lucky to have such supportive friends yet sometimes feels a bit like a “third wheel”. 

 

Because of the children, erasing her ex from her life has never been an option – and she wishes it was – but feels sure that having to work through their issues, rather than running away from one another, is more emotionally healthy in the long run.  She felt the legal process – the nastiness and financial wrangling – was the worst thing she has ever experienced. 

 

Demi Moore ended her marriage to Ashton Kutcher after 6 years of marriage, following allegations that he had been cheating on her.  Each time Demi hears about Ashton and his new woman it breaks her heart....  it’s like a knife in her heart. 

 

Shania Twain found out her husband was having an affair with her best friend. She has said “I really lost my sense of trust, compassion and honesty.  I crashed down  and became what I consider  an emotional mess.  I’ve never been so miserable in my whole life.  I just wanted to go to bed and never get up”.

 

So why do people cheat on their partners?

A common reason is lack of sexual satisfaction in their relationship.

Another reason is a secret desire for additional sexual encounters.

Also, lack of emotional satisfaction in their relationship, because they felt they were lacking a connection to their partner.Bottom of Form

 

Wishing to feel appreciated.

Falling out of love with their partner.

In a study very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.

Another reason is wishing to seek revenge and hurt a partner who is (or was having an affair).

Curiosity and wanting new experiences, was another reason. The allure of someone and something new led some people to choose this particular form of challenge.

Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship.

So can the relationship be saved if someone feels “lacking of their needs”? 

In the book “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, he says

“... that unless people understand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behaviour in the first marriage and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second marriage is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.  The feeling of growth and change between marriages is an illusion: it is merely the pain that comes from exchanging one set of habituated behaviours for another. 

I believe that couples should make very effort to honour their wedding vows to stay together “till death do us part” – not for moral reasons, but for psychological ones.”

I totally agree.