My eldest son and I
Yesterday I
met an emotional Mum whose tears flowed as she felt so powerless with her 12 year old son, who insisted on returning to
Dad’s place and telling her that he “hated” her and didn’t want to sit and eat Sunday
dinner with her and her partner!
Although she
is amicable with her x husband and the child is shared between their two homes,
the child had been “playing” one parent
against the other with “Mum says............. or Dad says................”. In
these challenging circumstances it is so important for parents to band together
as one unit and agree on the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not
as children respond very well to clear boundaries.
Mum was at a
loss of how to handle the situation without a knee jerk reaction and becoming angry. Angry
at herself, more so than the child, with overwhelming feelings of lack of
control, in a challenging situation.
A mother teaches her child with love
and patience until the child learns. But what happens when patience disappears
and frustration and hurt rears up? The
wisest choice is to “surrender” and let go.... The spiritual principle of
surrender, which is letting go, is not the same as giving up and feeling
defeated, which is what many clients feel when they have to continue to let go,
long past the point where they are comfortable with the process.
We cannot let go of everything until we
understand our attachments from the level of our beliefs, what we think about
ourselves and what we think others will think of us. Wherever we resist release
there are strong beliefs that are asking to be released. We see this in a
material way but the real issue is energetic. How much of ourselves is centred
or invested in that? What does letting go mean to our belief system? How do we
feel about ourselves after that is done? What new beliefs do we need to create
to not feel that we have lost everything and instead, gained our spiritual and emotional freedom, when we let go?
This will bring a
sense of freedom and joy, as opportunities for change
that were not possible before, begin to
appear.
So to gain back your sense of control with children of age 12+, is to make
clear what is expected and that you mean what you say about the
penalties for bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now — discipline is
just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. Just as with the 5-
year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and enforce it, your teen needs
boundaries, too.
Firstly, share your feelings. If he says “I hate you, I wish you weren’t my
Mum”. Breath. Place your hand on your heart and say “I hear you hate me
and that you wish I wasn’t your Mum. I feel so sad to hear that as I love
you so much” Then stop talking and wait. Let him absorb that you heard
him and how it made you feel. If he answers, just repeat what he says
and continue to focus on how it is making you feel and voice it.
Let him know it's safe to express his feelings -- as long as he does so
respectfully. If he acts bad-tempered with you (hey, we all have bad
days, grown-ups included), tell him to speak to you in a nice way. Then,
when he’s more peaceful, talk to him about what was making him unhappy.
Respect also goes both ways, so speak to your child the way you want him
to speak to you. Don't shout, say what you need to in a calm manner, and
remember to say “please” and “thank you.”
Focus on the behavior you want to see, not what he’s doing wrong. Instead
of saying, "Don't leave your dirty plate on the table" say “Putting the plate in the dishwasher will speed clearing up so we have more time to go outside and play”.
Set up rules regarding homework, visits by
friends and curfews by
discussing them beforehand with your
teenager so there will be no
misunderstandings. Your teen will probably
complain from time to time,
but also will realize that you're in
control. Believe it or not, teens still
want and need you to set limits and
enforce order in their lives, even as
you grant them greater freedom and
responsibility.
When your teen does break a rule, taking
away privileges may seem the
best plan of action. While it's fine to
ground them for a week, for
example, be sure to also discuss why
coming home an hour past curfew is
unacceptable and worrisome.
Remember to give a teenager some control over
things. Not only will this
limit the number of power struggles you
have, it will help your teen
respect the decisions that you do need to
make. You could allow a younger
teen to make decisions concerning school
clothes, hair styles, or even the
condition of his or her room. As your teen
gets older, that realm of
control might be extended to include an
occasional relaxed curfew.
It's also important to focus on the
positives. For example, have your teen
earn a later curfew by demonstrating
positive behavior instead of setting
instead of setting an earlier curfew as
punishment for irresponsible
behaviour.
Spiritual Response Therapy is a great
healing therapy to clear negative
energies between parent and child and can
be done on behalf of under
18’s by their parent.
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