TEACHING WITH LOVE AND PATIENCE

My eldest son and I

Yesterday I met an emotional Mum whose tears flowed as she felt so powerless with her 12 year old son, who insisted on returning to Dad’s place and telling her that he “hated” her and didn’t want to sit and eat Sunday dinner with her and her partner!

Although she is amicable with her x husband and the child is shared between their two homes, the child had been  “playing” one parent against the other with “Mum says............. or Dad says................”. In these challenging circumstances it is so important for parents to band together as one unit and agree on the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not as children respond very well to clear boundaries.

Mum was at a loss of how to handle the situation without  a knee jerk reaction and becoming angry. Angry at herself, more so than the child, with overwhelming feelings of lack of control, in a challenging situation.

A mother teaches her child with love and patience until the child learns. But what happens when patience disappears and frustration and hurt rears up?  The wisest choice is to “surrender” and let go.... The spiritual principle of surrender, which is letting go, is not the same as giving up and feeling defeated, which is what many clients feel when they have to continue to let go, long past the point where they are comfortable with the process.

We cannot let go of everything until we understand our attachments from the level of our beliefs, what we think about ourselves and what we think others will think of us. Wherever we resist release there are strong beliefs that are asking to be released. We see this in a material way but the real issue is energetic. How much of ourselves is centred or invested in that? What does letting go mean to our belief system? How do we feel about ourselves after that is done? What new beliefs do we need to create to not feel that we have lost everything and instead, gained our spiritual and emotional freedom, when we let go?

This will bring a sense of freedom and joy, as opportunities for change 

that were not possible before, begin to appear.

So to gain back your sense of control with children of age 12+, is to make
clear what is expected and that you mean what you say about the
 penalties for bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now — discipline is
just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. Just as with the 5-
year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and enforce it, your teen needs
boundaries, too.

Firstly, share your feelings.  If he says “I hate you, I wish you weren’t my
Mum”.  Breath.  Place your hand on your heart and say “I hear you hate me
 and that you wish I wasn’t your Mum.  I feel so sad to hear that as I love
you so much”  Then stop talking and wait.  Let him absorb that you heard
him and how it made you feel.  If he answers, just repeat what he says
and continue to focus on how it is making you feel and voice it.

Let him know it's safe to express his feelings -- as long as he does so
respectfully. If he acts bad-tempered with you (hey, we all have bad
 days, grown-ups included), tell him to speak to you in a nice way. Then,
 when he’s more peaceful, talk to him about what was making him unhappy.

Respect also goes both ways, so speak to your child the way you want him
to speak to you. Don't shout, say what you need to in a calm manner, and
remember to say “please” and “thank you.”

Focus on the behavior you want to see, not what he’s doing wrong. Instead
of saying, "Don't leave your dirty plate on the table" say “Putting the plate in the dishwasher will speed clearing up so we have more time to go outside and play”.

Set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends and curfews by

discussing them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no

misunderstandings. Your teen will probably complain from time to time,

but also will realize that you're in control. Believe it or not, teens still

want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as

you grant them greater freedom and responsibility.

When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem the

best plan of action. While it's fine to ground them for a week, for

example, be sure to also discuss why coming home an hour past curfew is

unacceptable and worrisome.

Remember to give a teenager some control over things. Not only will this

limit the number of power struggles you have, it will help your teen

respect the decisions that you do need to make. You could allow a younger

teen to make decisions concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the

condition of his or her room. As your teen gets older, that realm of

control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.

It's also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your teen

earn a later curfew by demonstrating positive behavior instead of setting

instead of setting an earlier curfew as punishment for irresponsible

behaviour.

 

Spiritual Response Therapy is a great healing therapy to clear negative

energies between parent and child and can be done on behalf of under

18’s by their parent. 

www.heatherprince.co.uk

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS?

The other day on Facebook I put out a message about people who have an affair within their marriage.  People’s perception was that I felt “angry” and it related to something personal. 

 

As a Life Coach I constantly repeat that “love is all there is” just like the Beatles song and if you love someone, you don’t lie, cheat or act deceitful.  That certainly is not love.

 

I have spoken to many people having affairs, had affairs, want an affair and it’s all spoken light heartedly, but they don’t think through the consequence of their actions and how entangled everything becomes!  The end of a marriage is not pleasant and divorce is something I certainly wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy!

 

Ann threw her husband out when she discovered he was having an affair.    She still feels she’s picking up the pieces a year later.  She worries about her children and as she came from a broken home, wished to give them what she didn’t have.  She feels she stands out like a sore thumb but feels lucky to have such supportive friends yet sometimes feels a bit like a “third wheel”. 

 

Because of the children, erasing her ex from her life has never been an option – and she wishes it was – but feels sure that having to work through their issues, rather than running away from one another, is more emotionally healthy in the long run.  She felt the legal process – the nastiness and financial wrangling – was the worst thing she has ever experienced. 

 

Demi Moore ended her marriage to Ashton Kutcher after 6 years of marriage, following allegations that he had been cheating on her.  Each time Demi hears about Ashton and his new woman it breaks her heart....  it’s like a knife in her heart. 

 

Shania Twain found out her husband was having an affair with her best friend. She has said “I really lost my sense of trust, compassion and honesty.  I crashed down  and became what I consider  an emotional mess.  I’ve never been so miserable in my whole life.  I just wanted to go to bed and never get up”.

 

So why do people cheat on their partners?

A common reason is lack of sexual satisfaction in their relationship.

Another reason is a secret desire for additional sexual encounters.

Also, lack of emotional satisfaction in their relationship, because they felt they were lacking a connection to their partner.Bottom of Form

 

Wishing to feel appreciated.

Falling out of love with their partner.

In a study very few people indicated that they had fallen head over heels for the person with whom they had the affair. Again, emotional intimacy plus sexual closeness seems to be a more important factor that leads partners to stray.

Another reason is wishing to seek revenge and hurt a partner who is (or was having an affair).

Curiosity and wanting new experiences, was another reason. The allure of someone and something new led some people to choose this particular form of challenge.

Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship.

So can the relationship be saved if someone feels “lacking of their needs”? 

In the book “Getting The Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix, he says

“... that unless people understand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behaviour in the first marriage and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second marriage is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.  The feeling of growth and change between marriages is an illusion: it is merely the pain that comes from exchanging one set of habituated behaviours for another. 

I believe that couples should make very effort to honour their wedding vows to stay together “till death do us part” – not for moral reasons, but for psychological ones.”

I totally agree.  

AUTUMN

18 September 2012

Autumn Equinox is almost upon us. In Welsh, this time of year is called 'Alban Elfed' which means ‘the light of Autumn’. This is my favourite season - it brings to mind such beautiful images of golden light illuminating a canvas of amber, autumnal leaves - it is, to me, an ode to the Sunlight that has warmed our summer days and fed the crops. Now, as we reap the harvests, we pay homage to the gift of sunlight as we say farewell to the summer months.

 

The day and night, light and dark, will be equal this Saturday. This is an opportunity to feel and to reflect up the alignment of energies both in nature and spirit. All that is happening in the natural world is also happening within us - we are, after all, being made of the same ‘stuff’, a part of this natural ‘everything’. If we take a moment to acknowledge this, to tune into it, to whatever degree we are able to at the time, it will help re-align us, to get everything in place and prepared for Autumn and Winter.

 

Just sit comfortably, and close your eyes.  Take a deep breath in and release out.  Relax all muscles.  Let go of all tension in your back and stomach.  Allow the wrmth of yur heart to flow.  Let it flow through yur whole body.  Let go of negative thoughts.  Let them float away.  While focusing on your breathing, play with the thought, who would you like to be and what would you like to do.  There is no limitation.  Anything is possible.  This is a moment for serenity and balance. For honest reflection and loving gratitude for all that is ready for you to harvest in your life.

 

What seeds have you sown? Even the dark rain clouds helped us to grow our crops and so this is an also an opportunity to make peace with the painful moments that we have encountered or may still be dealing with - to have faith that they have their purpose and to be ready to reap the benefits. No matter how it may feel sometimes as though there are too many obstacles, know that you haven’t stopped growing and trust that there will always be a harvest - just as
a wheel doesn’t stop turning, neither does yours!

 

Then focus on your breathing once more and return your attention to the room you are in.

 

So this week enjoy the outdoors! Forest walks, play time in the parks, flying kites, foraging and kicking up leaves ... the pleasures of Autumn are there, for free, for whenever we are ready!

 

ANGER

A man had a problem recently who is going through a divorce and he was feeling angry with his wife for having an affair after twenty five years of marriage. As I listened to this man, who I’ll call Jason, I explained how sorry I felt that his wife had cheated and lied to him but I asked him honestly if he would take her back if she wished for a reconciliation.

I knew that the answer would be ‘no’. Because in all of those twenty five years, he was the one who held the marriage together, who tried to create the partnership he wanted and he did his best to hold that energy for her so he could have the relationship that served his needs. He thought that if he met her needs and let her know how much she was loved and appreciated, she would become the wife he wanted her to be.

The anger he was now aware of was because he was just beginning to realize that she didn’t appreciate his efforts and he was thinking that he’d wasted twenty five years of his life. But I assured him that he hadn’t wasted anything,  as her response was the best she could give him and he was going to have to accept that and see her that way. His anger was keeping the energetic connection between them open and he was letting her ‘suck’ on his energy, in the same way she did during their marriage.

When we give to others without considering whether our own needs are being met, we let them suck our own energy at will, because we don’t have any boundaries. It’s like cooking dinner and not setting a dinner time. So the food is on the table and everyone thinks they can eat whenever they want to; then you get mad because you are always eating alone. You get angry because you think they’re being inconsiderate, but you’re also afraid to set the boundaries because you are afraid that if you push too hard or demand too much they will say no. And in your heart you know that this is true, if you ask a needy, demanding person for too much, they will just say ‘no’ and walk away.

People like this are very needy and while they can take, they don’t think they have anything to give. The more you give, the more than can take at will, sucking your energy when they’re hungry or bored or tired or needy, and then leaving you drained. As soon as you ask someone like this to give back to you they feel challenged and they often leave.

Jason’s anger was allowing his wife to suck at his energy, at will, to continue to demand certain things from him and take what she wants.  Since he is  separated, but still living in the family home, she is still aiming to rule the roost but continuing to do whatever she wants.

Jason was feeling drained because anger is a powerful emotion and holding that energy is a challenge. It also prevents someone from moving forward because their energy is still tied into trying to get what they want from the marriage, which needs to be over.

So it is vital to close those connections and set some boundaries for his energy so he can stop allowing the energy suction and focus his energy on what he wants and needs, which is to let this part of his life be over and move forward into a life that serves him, with his new partner who can meet his needs.

To clear "blocks" or "negative energies" causing problems in your life, contact me for Spiritual Response Therapy clearing.

OLYMPICS

I was rubbish at netball and hockey.  With tennis I always missed the ball and with hockey I tripped over the stick!  So when my daughter rang me with last minute tickets for the Olympics hockey, I raised an eyebrow and imagined a bunch of macho women running around a field.  But the sudden opportunity to go the Olympic Village so nearby in Stratford was too good an opportunity to miss, so last Saturday I put on an early alarm and bleary eyed off we went.

The atmosphere as we got off the train and walked to Westfield was truly amazing and reminded me of the spirit of “Disney”, which we went to years ago when the kids were younger.  The volunteers in their bright tops, spoke to the crowd heading towards the Arena and one girl even sung “How do you like your eggs in the morning....” – she should get an A for effort! – that brought a smile to our faces.  A volunteer offered to take our photo in front of the stadium as a momento and everyone was so helpful and friendly. 

The buzz, excitement, atmosphere had to be felt by being there.  It took 20 minutes to walk to the Riverside Arena where the hockey was, which enabled us to take on board how HUGE the Olympic village is.  It was astro-turfed in pink and blue and far from schoolgirls, the teams were hunky guys from India and South Africa.  The big screen and music, brought the cosmopolitan crowd together as we joined in the Mexican wave and clapped to Queen’s “We will rock you”.  After a break where we met a lovely girl from South Africa, over here promoting hockey for children, where they’d set up a mini pitch outside the stadium.  Apparently 27,000 children had “had a go”!  Then we watched the second match, Belgium versus Spain which was excellent entertainment.

What an amazing memory to share with my daughter!

My lesson.  Never pre-judge or assume anything.  When an opportunity is offered, say yes!  Accept it and enjoy.